It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Well I'm not sure about that quote considering I've fought with my boyfriend a zillion times this weekend.

Anyway, thanks to all of you for the gifts and x-mas wishes. I hope you all have a very amazing holiday and get all the pressies you are hoping for!

Lots of love,

Magic Pie

These days I'm feeling bent and broken; pulled apart in about a hundred different directions. As Bilbo Baggins once said "I feel thin, like butter spread over too much bread." Or something to that extent, at least. When I say thin, I don't mean weight wise either.

As many 26 year olds feel these days, I'm in awe at the lack of the 'spectaular' in my life. Right from the time we are toddlers we are told that we are special and can do anything we put our minds to...then we hit adulthood and get kicked in the teeth. We're not really all that special. We're not all these intricate beautiful snowflakes. We're just humans, trying to find a place in the world. Working to live, living to work.

It's depressing, degrading, it strips us of all humanity. Everyday we whore ourselves out to the world but get nothing in return

This is how I disappear....

Magic Pie is loving her H&M stuff she bought today.

behind the mask...

What do I bring to all of this?

Honestly...I don't think I bring anything to it anymore.

We'll carry on?

Will Mayo's house ever be the same again?

I fear it will not. People no longer trust one another and I think a lot of us are on high alert most of the time.

The confusion is intense. I don't know who to believe or who I should just forget.

I thought we had a nice family going on. Sure we'd all have the usual disagreements and there were the usual siblings that didn't get along, but we were a family. I thought there were no secrets between us.

I guess it's my fault for being naive and for thinking that I could have a little family away from home. My boyfriend warned me to not get attached.

But I'll still stick around for a while. There are still good people at Mayo's blog. I KNOW there are.

For those of you who want to leave a message, feel free.

I'm not sure I'll be at Mayo's for a while...

isn't this pic the bomb?

My man took this at the Toronto PR show...

since paperheartxx posted HER purple hair...

and that's all you get :P

Remember remember the 5th of November, the gun-powder treason and plot.

I know of no reason why the gun-powder treason should ever be forgot.

I wish you would give me some sort of sign that you've read what I've written for you.

I know there's a good possibilty that you are not who I think you are.

I guess it's just that the little girl inside of me hopes that you are who I think you are and that you've read this and it made some sort of impact.

I just feel like I've done nothing in all of this at the end of the day.

To a man I don't know...

You will probably never read this and it may be silly, but I feel like this all needs to be said.

There is a lot going on. A lot is being said and there are a lot of assumptions. There is no proof of anything but I must admit that I still worry. I'm not a teenie and I don't go crazy over all these issues. I am 26 and I have a lot of experience with people who are depressed and do things they wouldn't normally do.

I do not know you personally. Five months ago I didn't even know your name, nor did I care to.
One day things changed...let me tell you the story.

I was never a big fan of your band. It wasn't my genre. I remember seeing the "I'm Not Ok" video and I didn't hate the song but I didn't love it either. I was intrigued by you though. Then "Helena" came out and I loved that song and video. You intrigued me even more. Then the teenies started loving your band and you became overrated. I started to dislike your band because I thought it was just another teeny band that had nothing to say. Years passed and I dissed your band whenever I had the chance. I really had no reason to other than the fact that my boyfriend had seen you live twice and said you were shit so I believed him. Still, I had some sort of pull towards you. I didn't watch your videos or listen to your music, but you still intrigued me in a little way.

One night sometime in May I was bored so I flipped the channel to Much Music (a Canadian music station). There was a show on called Born to Be. This episode featured your band. I was bored so I watched it. I listened to you speak and I heard the story of how your band started. I became interested. You were no longer just some guy in a band to me, and your band wasn't just some band. Hearing about your experience with 9/11 and then your struggle through depression, alcohol and suicide struck a chord in me. Hearing the message of your band opened my eyes. I didn't know how positive your band was and what you stood for until I watched this show.

This changed everything. I started to download some of your band's songs and started reading interviews and biographies. I was hooked. Music was getting so boring and your band brought life back into music for me. I bought all of your albums and your DVD and joined many messageboards.

Not only that, but I had been going through a really hard time in my life. I was depressed and I was very unhappy. You and your band's music helped get me through my problems. Your strength and courage to get through your problems, your ability to squash your demons and fulfill your hopes and dreams motivated and inspired me. My eyes were opened up to world of hope through your music. It was amazing to have a positive influence in my life that could indirectly guide me to a happier place.

Then the rumours started. At first I brushed them all away. I couldn't believe that you would ruin everything by drinking again. I also didn't see anything wrong with your behaviour at first. I thought people were just being stupid and jealous because you had a new girlfriend. True I didn't think that getting into a new relationship so soon after a broken engagement was a good idea but I know the way love works and how it hits you when you least expect it so I defended you. I also have a boyfriend who suffers from depression so I know how different his mind works from mine and other people so I thought that maybe you changed medication or that the depression was playing tricks with your mind.

Then the blogs started. And more and more kept popping up. They could be real and they could be fake. No one knows. But now I don't know what to think. I don't make assumptions and I will not judge you until I have proof. I'm not someone who's going to tell you that I care about you and then turn around and cut you down and call you a liar, asshole or coward. Who am I to judge you? I know that there is something called "tough love" but I do not believe that it works when random people who mean nothing to your life try to pull it. I've been through that. I was someone who kept up a front and didn't let anyone know the real me. I was scared and insecure. People that I didn't care about would call me a bitch or tell me that I had a problem. I didn't care. They weren't people who really knew me. Then one day a few years ago my boyfriend was brutally honest with me and it kicked me in the ass, verbally. His tough love made me realize that I had problems because he was important to me and he knew me better than I knew myself.

I believe that this is what you need. If you are messed up, you NEED to listen to the people who know and love you. If you are going through problems and are not thinking clearly, please listen to your friends and family. They tell you negative things about you and your life because they don't want to see you spiral down. No one wants to see you spiral down. They are not against you and they are not trying to bring you down. I know it seems like it, believe me. You may think that they don't want to see you happy. But they do. The people around you want to help you. Please listen to them. If you have gone back to the drink and drugs, you need help. If you got married just because you don't want to be alone, you need help.

Again, I don't want to make assumptions so if none of this is true, then ignore me and live your life the way you want to. But if you are going through some issues, you need to acknowledge them. Do not ruin your life just because you are stubborn. Do not ruin this band and their message just because your mind is fuzzy and unclear. Remember why you started this band. Remember how they saved you when you were a suicidal alcoholic. Remember how much the people around you love you. Remember that you WANT to be a good person and you want to help people. What happened to fighting the good fight? What happened to not wanting to end up on Behind the Music?

Please do something. Become the man you've always wanted to be. Don't do it for the fans, don't do it because you want to be a hero. Do it for yourself. Be a good person for yourself and your loved ones. It's not too late. You can always be a better man. You can be healthy and happy. No one expects you to be perfect, believe me. We just want you to be well. I would hate for you to become another Kurt Cobain.

If by some chance you've come across this blog, thank you for reading. Remember this is not assumption or judgement. This is just someone who cares. You helped save me. If I can help save you, it's the least I can do.

You have the power to change lives and to save them...

Do you actually realize that?

Don't underestimate how powerful the old you was.

Don't try to be someone else; don't change just to please one person.

Make changes that are positive to YOU.

Realize that you deserve to be yourself...just as you have told us.

To want glory is to want pain.
Temptress wicked.
Single strains of harsh words
Leading to the destruction
Of ones you claim to love.
Imagine yourself in a world
Of love and temptation.
How will you become a man?
How will you become a hero?
Face this hell with loving fury.

COPYRIGHT 2007

How do you feel when you wake up in the morning?
Are you haunted by the thought of having the blood of the people you tear down every day on your hands?
If so, good.
You deserve to feel the guilt.
If not, you're worse off than I thought.
Think before you speak.
Even great egos can crack.

I'm disgusted with society more and more each day.
The amount of hatred that people have for each other baffles my mind.
Why can we not just live our own lives without fear of being judged?
I love people...I just hate what we've become.